Melody - Faith

My faith in Jesus Christ has been the one constant thing in my life. I became a Christian as a child, but solidified my faith and personal relationship with God as a late teen/young adult. I did a lot of soul and scripture searching to find what I truly believed. I grew up in an extremely legalistic church full of false guilt and hypocrisy. Ironically my husband and I did ministry in that very church later on. We were youth pastors there for 5 years. Additionally, we were youth leaders at our current church for 3 years. I have also worked in children's ministry, media and productions, and lead praise and worship.

My greatest test of faith has been the long struggle we had with infertility and loss. Infertility shaped my faith in ways I never knew possible. It is still an area that stings when I think about it. We lost many little ones, of course, my heart still longs for them. I blogged about that in the past and wish to move on, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it here.

I have a great passion for people and strive to see beyond the exterior of people. I seek to see their heart and choose to believe in the potential of the individual. My heart hurts when others hurt. I wholeheartedly desire to see an end to hatred and shaming. Nothing bothers me more than racism and predjuice.

Although my devotional writings won't be the focus of this blog, occasionally something provokes my heart and I must write it out. I'll put those directly into the devotional archive. There are a few posts there from my old blogs. You are welcome to read those and share your thoughts if you wish.

My life verses...3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  
                   2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Divine Grace

Originally Posted on FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2011

Grace....where do I even begin?  When questioned about grace, most Christians would give a blanket answer about the gift of God's grace and how that makes their salvation possible.  While this is very true, as you might have figured, I'm no ordinary Christian with a blanket answer.  I feel impressed to share my personal experiences with grace.

Webster's defines grace as (noun)

1 a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b : a virtue coming from God c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

2a : approval, favor graces> b archaic : mercy, pardon c : a special favor : privilege grace, shall rule his heritage — Rudyard Kipling> d: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e : a temporary exemption : reprieve

Whether we realize or not, we all first learn grace from our mothers; mothers who gave us their all when we had nothing to give back in return.  Mothers (and I'm speaking about those who are truly mothers, not just by biology) personify grace not only in terms of discipline matters, but also emotionally. From them we learn to deal with our thoughts and emotions, how to have compassion and love for others and how to go to others for help when we need it.  In those beginning years, a child teaches their parent things as well.  Children move mothers to seek for God's grace and in turn teach their child.  Bottom line....mothers teach us grace by example.

If you are a member of my generation, chances are you either are from a home of divorce/single parent or had someone very close to you that was from one such home.  My parents split up when I was around age 13, which is a very pivotal time in a young woman's life. I was always an old soul and mature beyond my years, but no amount of maturity can prepare a young teen for a life of brokeness.  I know that the situation was not in my realm of control or responsibilty, but that didn't change its effect on me.  I imagine that I've blocked out most of the memories of that time for a reason, but what I do remember is feeling lost.  

I was looking for that grace that I'd been taught about at church.  Grace was a concept to me at that time, but not a reality. Often times we have to experience something before God can teach us.  We humans are quite stubborn...well I am anyway.  I fought back at God pretty hard for several years.  All throughout those years He granted me the grace I needed though; showing me the whole time how God's grace differs from human grace.  I didn't know it at the time, but looking back I can see many times when His divine grace covered my complete stupidity.  I was reckless with that grace and I pushed those limits far too often, yet somehow He held me tightly and never left me.

Shortly after high school, I got married, which was no small miracle.  I'd said for years that I would never repeat my parents mistakes.  *chuckles* I thought that meant that I'd be single for the rest of my life and have children either by adoption or IVF  (yes I had a "plan" even then). I won't go into the whole story, but the short version is that after getting married I was suddenly very ill.  I went through many doctors, hospital stays, medications, treatments and sadly lost pregnancies before discovering that I had PCOS.  PCOS had been with me all along, but I didn't recognize it till it had taken a toll on my body and almost striped me of my sanity.  God's grace alone spared my life.  There were many times when I was so sick that I wanted to die.  I didn't have the drive to even live the life I'd always dreamed about.  Depression and illness had me bound.  

I was bound until that one day....the one day that God showed me what His grace for me meant.  I was delirious with pain and the stress of it all was actually inducing random seizures.  Many memories are fuzzy of that time, but I remember this one day plainly.  I was laying on my bed and I heard my husband calling my name.  He was trying to bring me out of one of my 'spells'.  I could hear the fear in his voice, but I couldn't shake the loosing control feeling that swept over me.  Miraculously strength came to me out of nowhere and I was able to sit up.  My vision had been blurry that day, but suddenly I had clarity in one circular area above the door that led to my bathroom.  I don't remember why but my husband went and opened that door.  As he joined me at my bedside, my focus went back to that spot on the doorway.  Plain as day I saw a very small, child size being peaking around the top of the door.  Granted my brain was still coming around from a seizure, I do believe this was a God-inspired moment and the being was in fact an angel.  I watched as this little angel came through the doorway.  I remember that I felt so loved at that moment. An incredible flood of peace filled my soul and I felt as if I'd been rescued from the middle of the ocean.  I never heard anything audible and no the ground didn't shake or light didn't blind me from above.  The only thing I saw was a child size angel who smiled at me.  The being had light brown shoulder length hair and eyes that sparkled.  But oh the smile....the smile was what let me know that God was not finished with me.  He had granted me that grace again to make it through this difficulty.  This time God allowed me to feel His grace.

To quickly finish this bit of my story, that was the last day I ever had one of those seizures.  Shortly after that day, I was able to take control back from the doctors for my healthcare. With God's guidance, I purged my body of the medications that had caused me such harm.  Within a year of that day, I was back to the road of recovery, but only because of God's grace.  This was nothing that I did.  See we don't earn God's grace and we can't replicate it either.  No word that I've ever encountered could adequately describe such a grace like God's divine grace.

There's a lot more to my story; more times of joy and many more times of sadness, grief and loss.  There are many unknowns in my life. But there's one thing I'm always certain of....God's wonderful undeniable Grace carries me through every moment.  When I get caught up in my thoughts and feelings, I need only to think back to the lessons about grace that God has allowed me to live.  I pray that you don't have to live out the same sort of life lessons that God has chosen for me, but if you should find yourself deep in the land of no-mercy, I pray that you will recognize this amazing grace we are celebrating at this time of year.

~*Melody

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me"  1 Corinthians 15:10 NKJV  

The Winter

Originally posted on April 9, 2011 (A small back story for those who didn't follow my other blog.  This post was after we suffered the loss of a little boy whom we hoped to adopt.  He was in our home for a little more than 6 months and we loved him so much.)

A friend of mine wrote the following statement in a recent blog post. "I couldn’t open up my bible because I was too distracted with all that was running through my head. I couldn’t sit with Him in adoration for fear of breaking down and crying. It was too much to bear." I was so inspired after reading this that I just had to write about my own personal struggle.


I identify well with this statement, but haven't been honest enough to write about it yet.  It's been a long process of healing for me and I'm just now able to sit through a church service without balling my eyes out.  I'm slowly getting back into the Word too.

I've never experienced a time like this before; a time filled with complete hopelessness and confusion. It was more than a time filled with various emotions, but a state of mind fueled by pure pain and agony.  I don't believe I ever questioned God about why He allowed this to happen.  More so I questioned how it all could happen.  I questioned my own connection with God and even my sanity.  There were many moments when I felt that I could never go on in the same way again. It was truly as if someone had ripped out part of me and tossed it out. Vulnerable and alone are two words that don't carry enough meaning to describe what I was feeling.  Loosing a child in this way has been much harder than having one of our biological children die inside of me. I NEVER thought I'd be able to say something was harder than loosing my children, but that's now a dark reality.

I don't feel guilty for not being able to read the Word or spend quality time with Him. God knows when our hearts are burdened down beyond what we can bare. Yes we should go running straight to Him immediately, but there are times when this vessel of clay is too fragile to move. I've been in that very fragile state, not just afraid to move, but unable to move.  Grief is very powerful, but it's also very necessary.  If I didn't allow myself to grieve and cope, there's no way I'd be able to continue, much less keep a healthy relationship with God.

So where does this all leave me now, well I'm beginning to come out of this dark time.  I'm now able to turn to God throughout the day just like I use to and scripture now has meaning to me again.  I see Him everywhere I look.  The physical spring has now come and so has my spiritual spring.  So long winter...I'm ready to grow and move past the cold and death of winter.

God Seems Far Away, But Where Am I?

Originally posted on TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2009

Yesterday a dear friend of mine wrote about feeling far away from God and in a low place spiritually. My heart went out to her as she explained her recent struggles. I know those struggles well and have been there many many times. There are days that I feel like I'm so close to God, yet others when He feels so far away. I began thinking about my own struggles as I read her entry. Why must one feel this way? Is there some reason behind feeling that God is far away. Then this question entered my mind: God seems far away, but where am I?

In reality God is anything but far away. Could it be that actually we are far away? Could it be that our hearts are so cluttered by the darkness of this world or our own personal darkness that we can't see or feel God?

I began searching the scriptures for some explaination at why we as Christians go through these dark times. My mind instantly went to Job. Most of us think about Job when we think of suffering and personal struggles, but do we really relate with Job? I mean, not many of us can say that everything we held dear to us has been taken away. Job had lost all his children, servants, livestock and his health. He had everything and then had nothing within a very short period of time. The only thing God allowed him to keep was a nagging and doubting wife and a few friends who didn't understand what he was going through. We may have not suffered on the same level as Job, but we are human just as he was. We struggle with some of the same feelings he had: grief, anger, confusion and frustration.

So let's look at Job 23:9-11 (NKJV)
9 When He works on the left hand, I cannot behold Him;
When He turns to the right hand, I cannot see Him.
10 But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
11 My foot has held fast to His steps;
I have kept His way and not turned aside.

In this passage, Job was questioning God's whereabouts. Job couldn't understand why God seemed to be so far away. But what I notice most about this passage is that God was working on Job the whole time, yet Job couldn't see God. If you look at this scripture in the Message version, it shows Job's anger with God. Yet in the end, Job had to honor God and not turn from Him. He knew that God would bring him from this extreme low; an extreme low He even called deep darkness later on in the chapter.

Let's go on and look at 1Peter 1:6-8 (NKJV)
6 In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials,
7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ,
8 whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,

God is looking for a genuine faith. These low times, times of testing and "various trials" are needed to improve our faith; just like fire is needed to purify gold. Rest assured when you go through these lows that God is proving you. As difficult and frustrating as it may be, God is leading you through this so that he can deepen your faith and trust in Him. I hope you can find some comfort in these scriptures. I believe that God spoke to my heart as well through them.

~*Melody*~

On a side note.....
Jeremiah 23:29 (NKJV)
29 “ Is not My word like a fire?” says the LORD,
“ And like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?

I also found this scripture as I was reading last night. In my deepest darkest times, I feel like my heart grows hard, much like the rock mentioned in this verse. The answer to breaking through that rock.....the fire of the Word ! How awesome is that !