Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Winter

Originally posted on April 9, 2011 (A small back story for those who didn't follow my other blog.  This post was after we suffered the loss of a little boy whom we hoped to adopt.  He was in our home for a little more than 6 months and we loved him so much.)

A friend of mine wrote the following statement in a recent blog post. "I couldn’t open up my bible because I was too distracted with all that was running through my head. I couldn’t sit with Him in adoration for fear of breaking down and crying. It was too much to bear." I was so inspired after reading this that I just had to write about my own personal struggle.

I identify well with this statement, but haven't been honest enough to write about it yet.  It's been a long process of healing for me and I'm just now able to sit through a church service without balling my eyes out.  I'm slowly getting back into the Word too.

I've never experienced a time like this before; a time filled with complete hopelessness and confusion. It was more than a time filled with various emotions, but a state of mind fueled by pure pain and agony.  I don't believe I ever questioned God about why He allowed this to happen.  More so I questioned how it all could happen.  I questioned my own connection with God and even my sanity.  There were many moments when I felt that I could never go on in the same way again. It was truly as if someone had ripped out part of me and tossed it out. Vulnerable and alone are two words that don't carry enough meaning to describe what I was feeling.  Loosing a child in this way has been much harder than having one of our biological children die inside of me. I NEVER thought I'd be able to say something was harder than loosing my children, but that's now a dark reality.

I don't feel guilty for not being able to read the Word or spend quality time with Him. God knows when our hearts are burdened down beyond what we can bare. Yes we should go running straight to Him immediately, but there are times when this vessel of clay is too fragile to move. I've been in that very fragile state, not just afraid to move, but unable to move.  Grief is very powerful, but it's also very necessary.  If I didn't allow myself to grieve and cope, there's no way I'd be able to continue, much less keep a healthy relationship with God.

So where does this all leave me now, well I'm beginning to come out of this dark time.  I'm now able to turn to God throughout the day just like I use to and scripture now has meaning to me again.  I see Him everywhere I look.  The physical spring has now come and so has my spiritual spring.  So long winter...I'm ready to grow and move past the cold and death of winter.

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